You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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