I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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