then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
