I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
