So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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