he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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