I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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