her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
