I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
