Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
