All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
