$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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