The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
