My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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