onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
