he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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