Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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