I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
