I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
