I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
