My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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