Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
