i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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