I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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