We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How external is "for external use only"?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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