I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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