Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
