why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
