She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
