hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
