she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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