Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
