i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
