If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
