The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
