You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you had me at cake vodka
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
