My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
