Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
