Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
