Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
