overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
