wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
