TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
