It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
