u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
