Kiss
Puke
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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