what day is it and did you see me today?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
