omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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