i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
