swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
