Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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