Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
