the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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