I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
