Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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